If you’re a Christian and married or hoping to be married, then you should have come across Proverbs 31 either by reading or by hearing someone talk about the qualities of the Proverbs 31 woman. If it’s not ladies studying to imbibe the qualities of the Proverbs 31 woman then it’s guys poring over the verses to isolate the must-have qualities of the potential wife. Speaking of the Proverbs 31 woman, so much has been said about her but if you’d like to know what she looks like, read Moyo’s wonderful piece here.
Despite decades and perhaps centuries of studying and teaching Proverbs 31, few people, if any, have attempted to answer the only question posed by that chapter, specifically verse 10 – Who can find a virtuous woman? (Amplified version states – Who is he who can find her?)
You see, the entire Proverbs 31 was addressed to a man – King Lemuel. It was a mother’s advice to her son who probably was just ascending the throne. The Proverbs 31 woman discussion was part of a wider discussion and it began with the question – Who can find her? Thinking about it, many men ought to conclude their reading of this chapter at this verse. The remaining 21 verses simply go ahead to describe in detail who this woman is.
Here is how I interpret Proverbs 31 in the light of that question: Given the superb qualities of this woman, does he deserve to woo and marry this highly capable and extraordinary woman? Can he meet up to and even surpass her standards? Or will he be a drag in her calendar of success? Will she even consider going on a date with him? In other words, the essence of that section of Proverbs 31 was to give the man a Quality Control check – not only for the potential wife but for himself. The question assumes that though scarce, such a woman already exists. But does such a man exist? That’s the question that ought to be answered.
Now, there is nothing wrong with women working towards being a Proverbs 31 woman. In fact, given the present circumstances, it has become essential. But won’t it all be a waste of time and energy if the ‘Proverbs 31’ woman ended up marrying a ‘1Samuel 25’ kind of guy? The problem with the Proverbs 31 (woman) teaching is that it places so much focus on women and takes attention off the men for whom the chapter was originally intended. As a result, there is no shortage of irresponsible, Christian men, with no sense of character, dressed in three-piece suits and looking for a ‘virtuous’ wife to clean up their mess after them.
So here is my message to women: While it is good to aspire to be the kind of woman described in Proverbs 31, make sure you know what a Proverbs 31 man looks like. Unfortunately, Proverbs 31 tells us nothing of that sort of guy except that it is he who is deserving of such a woman. To know what a Proverbs 31 man is like, you will have to read the preceding 30 chapters of Proverbs, which contain the blueprint for this kind of man. And I think the investment in time is worth it, for what shall it profit a woman if she becomes a Proverbs 31 lady and ends up in a 1Samuel 25 marriage?
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I am a Medical Doctor, Brand Strategist and the Author of Musings of an Analytical Mind. I love to challenge conventional thinking
and am a firm believer in the coexistence of aesthetics and quality. Follow me on Twitter – @ifeodedere
Moyosore
September 28, 2015 — 6:22 pm
Nice one Ife. The proverbs 31 man can hold his own wherever he goes just like his woman. It’s a relationship of mutual respect and benefit.
Ifeoluwapo
September 29, 2015 — 10:05 am
Thanks Moyo. The keyword – mutual respect, is what I suspect is lacking in relationships.
Bolatito
September 28, 2015 — 10:39 pm
The like button isn’t responding, so as to be able to even share the post too.
Ifeoluwapo
September 29, 2015 — 10:07 am
Hi Bolatito, thanks for your feedback. What browser/Operating System are you using? You can check again now, it should be working properly. If not, please let me know
Salkede
September 29, 2015 — 8:02 am
If you like read proverbs, ecclesiastes and all of Paul’s letters, the virtuous woman will be taken by the Lagos big boy.
This is the Lagos big boy. He is well connected. He lives in banana Island with houses on Osborne Road, in Asokoro, England and a beach house in Rivers State. He has a refined product import license, OMLs, PSCs, OPAs etc. He will provide the virtuous woman with comfort. He won’t be at work all the time. He’ll take her to the Maldives, Dubai and Monaco instead of the Peckham High Street excursion Nigerians love.
This is capitalism. The ones with the most capital should get the best products. They can better manage it.
And No, the preceding chapters of proverbs do not make you into what I described. Or at least from observation. Please prove me wrong, some egos depend on it.
Ifeoluwapo
September 29, 2015 — 10:51 am
Hello Salkede. Let me start by saying that the woman, unlike how you portray her, is not a product. She is a human with the ability to choose and therein lies the fault in the logic that all virtuous women will be taken by the ‘big boy’.
You stress that the ‘big boy’ will provide her with comfort. That’s exactly the point of a Proverbs 31 woman – she isn’t the type living to marry so that she can obtain comfort. She on her own is a source of comfort. She isn’t a liability like you tried to portray.
And yes, the preceding chapters of Proverbs talk of how men (and women) can become wealthy. The words riches,honor and their synonyms are repeated in that book more than my fingers can hold.
The challenge is that many Christian guys don’t have these principles (either for character or riches) in them sufficiently. And if a Proverbs 31 Lady goes for a ‘big boy’ (assuming from your comment that he isn’t godly), then like I pointed out, it’s her choice. But then, that will raise other questions, which I prefer not to mention here
Salkede
September 29, 2015 — 6:50 pm
You and I know these boys I’m talking about. These ones don’t fly first class, they pay landing charges and parking fees. They are just over thirty and are in banana Island.
Demi Fayemiwo
September 29, 2015 — 12:40 pm
There’s this ideology young men of today have- they believe women go to the highest bidder like some kind of auction material. The sad thing is many men today believe all they need to offer is money. If you get her with just your cash, then any other man can get her too, and in that case, she’s not the virtuous woman. A woman who holds her own, works hard, pays her bills, has drive, ambition, dreams and focus is the description of a virtuous woman. Sadly, this is the kind of woman many men detest and describe as ‘too strong’
Salkede
September 29, 2015 — 6:48 pm
It’s good to imagine women( and men) as individuals rather than Sotheby’s antique pieces. Individuals capable of resisting societal influences such as Instagram and kardashianism. Individuals who value personality above material endowments.
There are simple reasons why these type of women don’t exist in Nigeria. We can start with the civil war down south to Gen Mohammed’s civil service purge. Our society barely recovered from that when IBB’s SAP and Abacha boys new money hit nigerians. Down south it was the Ezegos of this world, destroying moral world. The newest ones are the OMLs, OPAs, PSCs, product import licenses. Nigerians have come to accept that work and integrity do not matter. I don’t care how virtuous anyone is, you’ll succumb.
We are all human beings. Everything is transactional(love inclusive). Women will want to move to the big boys because they want better for their children. I love capitalism.
Women who pay their bills don’t want to marry below their class. Go to CLAM Lagos and see what I’m saying.
Teekay
September 29, 2015 — 11:39 am
Brilliant. Well done!
Ifeoluwapo
October 6, 2015 — 12:05 am
Thanks Teekay
Taiwo Ash
September 29, 2015 — 12:25 pm
Nice read. Well put.
Ifeoluwapo
October 6, 2015 — 12:07 am
Thanks Taiwo
Demi Fayemiwo
September 29, 2015 — 12:34 pm
Love love love this! There are so many men seeking virtuous women, yet they are not virtuous men! The burden on women to be perfect is almost unbearable! The pressure is real! And in spite of many women striving for perfection, they fall into the hands of ‘Christian’ men who love the idea of a virtuous woman but can’t deal with the reality of her. Way to go Ife!
Salkede
September 29, 2015 — 4:33 pm
You think women are under pressure? Try young men! Do you know how much pressure they are under to “make it”? How they are expected to have their own apartments in central Lagos by 24? How they are expected to own a car and by 23 or get well paying jobs by 22?
They get compared to iyanya and wizkid. If you complain, they compare you to oil workers living fake lives or Instagram people writing rubbish in their pics.
Do you know how young men are expected to be sexual performers and orgasm providers of the earth? How they are supposed to have huge penises and make love better than Zeus.
The young man is also expected to “trip” the woman and make things exciting. The man is supposed to feel lucky that she talks to him.
Many young men on 200k salaries under pressure to move beyond the usual Coldstone, Domino and movie viewing dates.
The biggest victims of the millennial self esteem plunge are the young men. You don’t want to know
glowingscenes
September 29, 2015 — 7:39 pm
Then these ‘young men’ that you seem to know so well have been moving with the wrong crowd, people who will compare them with others when the Bible tells us those who compare themselves with themselves are not wise. If that’s a man’s goal in life to chase after this material things when they should be chasing after him, then I would question the ‘virtous’ woman who falls into his hands.
People seeking these things you stated above such as the big whatevers and the orgasms are obviously seeking something else and what is there to expect when we live in such a depreciating world? Is it by these standards we are to lead ourselves?
It’s when ‘young men’ hang with the wrong crowd they’ll start feeling they need to go above what they’ve been made for hence you see people cutting corners. Same for women.
I know what I want in life, I know the kind of these that won’t benefit me neither do I spend half of my life on social media because most of the things we see there aren’t real in the first place, so why would I need to be pressured? Why would I need to prove anything to anybody if I’ve done my best and God sees I’ve done that too? I live for the audience of One. Oh, make it two. God and myself. Period.
A virtuous man will find his helpmeet if God wills, same for the woman. You attract what you are.
I’ve witnessed some myself so it’s not hear say.
Ifeoluwapo
October 5, 2015 — 11:52 pm
Well put Glowing Scenes.
Ejay
September 29, 2015 — 8:28 pm
Guy! You have pressed P oooo!!! But mehn… I feel you die! Guys be under some serious pressure
Bibo Iriri
September 29, 2015 — 6:50 pm
This is a fantastic piece! We need to realise that a relationship involves 2 parties and is only as strong as its weakest link. I would love it if men were taught to hold their own,not just acquire wealth but character. There would always be pressure no matter what gender you are. It is up to you to define your own cause. I am so excited when I see a strong woman holding her own and even more excited when I see a man.” The heart of her husband safely trusts her,”her husband praises her and calls her blessed”. Little wonder the kind of man that is!Thanks Ife for reminding us about the proverbs 31 man
Ifeoluwapo
October 6, 2015 — 12:01 am
Hey Bibo thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I Love the point about ‘a relationship involves 2 parties and is only as strong as its weakest link.’ So true!
enitan olokodana
September 29, 2015 — 7:02 pm
Nice article ife, this one really got me thinking. I’ve never thought of proverbs 31 from the man’s angle. Thanks for shedding light. I loved this article so much I shared with my friend.
Ifeoluwapo
October 5, 2015 — 11:51 pm
Thanks Enitan. Happy you loved it and Thanks for sharing it 🙂
glowingscenes
September 29, 2015 — 7:48 pm
I think you’ve done enough justice to this post I fear I may ruin it with any further analogy of mine.lol. First time here and I enjoyed it.
Yes, women are taught to be the proverbs 31 woman, to strive to become one but are Men also taught as well? I do remember the Bible telling us Male and female are equal before God though a woman has to submit to her husband as he’s the head. I’m currently reading a book by Joshua Harris, Boy meets Girl and it’s been awesome so far. I really wish many men would pick it up and read so that they’ll begin to learn that it takes two to make something work. It takes work on each gender for one goal only. Pleasing our creator while we don’t make a mess of one another due to our ‘cultural’ way of thinking.
Beautiful post! Hope I didn’t deviate 😀
Ifeoluwapo
October 5, 2015 — 11:54 pm
Thanks for the compliments Glowing Scenes. And no, you did not deviate. Teamwork is the (missing) key in relationships – not like I’m an expert.
Moyo
September 29, 2015 — 11:23 pm
Its funny how everyone here is shouting way to go , agreed Its a fantastic article and is food for thought for us all as human , male and females i would just like to point out that going from the comments here (this is my opinion feel free to challenge it) a lot of us fail to strike a balance between being human and being perfect , while this article strives to give us a guide on the type of guy or girl if u read moyos to aspire to be let’s not fool our selves that certain things are not important money , for one I honestly don’t see a nice lady going after a guy say who has these attributes and yet is broke I maybe wrong , it may also be that well u can’t have these attributes n be broken , but my issue is we should strike a balance , after all we live in this world n u need certain things to survive in this one . For me balance is important .Great article ife thanks for sharing
Ifeoluwapo
October 5, 2015 — 11:55 pm
Thanks Moyo.
Matthew Ojars
September 30, 2015 — 1:38 am
Bishop !!!!!!
Great article . I love it .
A word is enough for the wise .
We’ll all have different opinions because we see things differently. But the word says clearly in ;
Ephesians 5
25 NIV:Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER
26 NIV:to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 NIV:and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 NIV:In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
He who has ear let him hear what the SPIRIT says.
Bishop !!!!!! God bless you sir .
Ifeoluwapo
October 5, 2015 — 11:55 pm
The Arch Bishop himself has spoken! Thanks for the contribution Matthew.
Chike
September 30, 2015 — 7:46 am
Whoever this Salkede is God bless you. And the rest of you, keep trying. Just keep trying.
Manny T
September 30, 2015 — 10:16 am
This is both lovely & timely…& thanks to Matthew Ojars for the scriptures added. I would like to say that within the same Prov.31 that describes a virtuous woman are qualities of a virtuous man. You doubt it? Go read it again…but this time, pray before you do & be teachable. Thanks
Ifeoluwapo
October 5, 2015 — 11:56 pm
Thanks for dropping this Manny.
Oyin
September 30, 2015 — 7:53 pm
Hi Ife,
Greetings from Toronto, Canada. You have definitely done a great job writing this great piece. It’s a way to go that someone has thought along this line… A virtuous woman deserves no other man than a “King Lemuel” Man.
I wrote a poem depicting this when I said yes to my then fiance and now husband.
It only take a deep understanding and enlightenment of the Holy spirit to see and know that for every Virtuous Woman, there is a King Lemuel and vice versa. I hope all virtuous (aspiring and already) women out there who have the attributes of the Proverbs 31 woman will learn how to carry themselves because they deserve a “King Lemuel” Man!
God bless you
Oyin Isaac
http://www.africancanadianweddings.com
FYI: This is Poem. (I though I share it with you)
LEMUEL FOR A CHOICE
On that very breezy yuletide peak of the year
A Resource was demanded and this was so dear
The supply was given on an august occasion
With so much Joy, amidst admiration and celebration
Lemuel for a choice
Passing across, this Resource was faced with choices
And an alternative forgone was to be in reference
In the swing and fling of options, there were ring of voices
Gracefully, budgeting system gave a room to scale of preference
Lemuel for a choice
Lemuel!!! A belonging devotion to his SUPREMACY!!!
Embedded with value and capabilities to his autocracy
Without no skepticism, he his mother approbation
Like the autonomy of humanism, he is exaltly adored
By every Tom, Dike and Harry with veneration
And this singularity of act makes me wanna continually abide
Lemuel for a choice
A virtuous woman, Lemuel mother is
Worthy of emulation and she uttered this
“Do not spend your strength on women, beer and rigor”
“Lemuel my son, who can behold his vigor”
Lemuel for a choice
And the Ancient One asked a question rhetorically,
A wife of noble character, a virtuous woman who can find?
And Lemuel, YES! King Lemuel answered majestically
I! YES! I! King Lemuel can find , ‘cuz of the captivating charming character I combine.
Lemuel for a choice
King Lemuel, an advocate, a very stone of help for all especially destitute
Like his name, a devoted helper, he speaks up, judge fairly and acts to restitute
Oh! Lemuel for a Choice, Luscious Lemuel
Above every iota of doubt, I find in you NO taunt
I say this day King Lemuel for MY choice
A man who has found A VIRTOUS WOMAN
Lemuel for MY CHOICE
Ifeoluwapo
October 5, 2015 — 11:59 pm
Thanks for stopping by Oyin. Good to know you’ve found your Lemuel 🙂
And thanks for sharing the poem.