Last week, I had a chat with a friend on BBM chat. It started when I spotted an update from him asking why people would be alone if there was a Soul Mate for everyone. Our conversation turned out to be interesting and I thought to share it.
P.S. The chat has been edited and formatted for easy reading. Happy reading.
BBM Update: Why would I be alone if there was a Soul Mate for everyone?
Me: Because there’s no Soul Mate
Him: I can see you have given up. Don’t worry, there is a Soul Mate
Me: Nah. It’s just the fact. Looking for Soul Mates is one is the greatest relationship scams ever. It’s basically saying you’re looking for a perfect person who ‘completes’ you. That’s why most people never find the ‘Soul Mate’.
Him: No, not a perfect person. Someone who knows your manual. Someone who has bothered to read it.
Me: What does that even mean?
Him: It simply means, someone who takes out time to think about how to make you happy. Most people are just looking for someone to make them happy.
Me: The truth is that it is not ‘someone’. If it was one person, widows would never remarry. This thing is largely common sense.
Him: You don’t always marry your Soul Mate. People marry anybody nowadays just so they can be married. And it comes from the gba kamu attitude: Anybody will do, over time we will gel.
I am always looking for someone I can make happy, in the end, I usually realize my partner and I are after the same thing. There is a Soul Mate for everyone but some of us are never patient to find them.
Me: The fact that you’d have found more than one ‘Soul Mate’ already invalidates the idea of ‘the one’. Sometimes she’s taken; sometimes she just wants to be friends. But you could swear she was the one.
Him: Yes. That happens. Well, I am sure there isn’t just one person for the job. Its finding the right person for the job. I think of a Soul Mate like this: if God gave you the resources to create your life partner, what you will come up with?
Me: Yeah. There isn’t one person. That’s my point. It’s a decisions game. You choose.
Him: It’s not just you choosing. The chosen must want to be chosen.
Me: We’ll it starts with you choosing.
Him: Or being baited to choose. Lol.
Me: It’s like investing. You got to invest in the business with the best returns. That doesn’t do away with God’s guidance.
Him: And please if I my Soul Mate is already in a relationship as long as the relationship is not marriage. I will not give up. So If I choose you, I am bringing in the nuclear arsenal to get you.
Me: The truth is most of us don’t have priorities straight. We want boobs, ass, money, character etc in one package. Not that these things are bad but life doesn’t usually play out that way. That’s where priorities come in.
Him: Loool! Well, you can’t blame men. They must be attracted to the woman na. Not everyone finds intelligence attractive. It’s a quality many men can compromise on for bigger ass.
Me: If I’m looking for ass, I’ll find ass. And that will be my ‘Soul Mate’. But as reality sets in, I’d realize I made a wrong choice .
Me: The Soul Mate philosophy relinquishes the decision making ability to some unseen force. That’s just lazy. I’ve been there.
Him: There are some people that just get you.
Him: You don’t have to read them a thesis about you. They know you. You don’t have that kind of connection with everyone. It’s a mutual thing.
Me: Yeah there are. So you go after them. You have a point there but one has to be sure it isn’t just surface emotions alone. Because that’s where most of us ‘get’ ourselves.
Him: Yes, you get past the surface emotions easily. This one is unshakable
Me: Trust me, emotions can last long. The beauty is you don’t even know. That’s why they always say you should allow those who know you to know about the relationship – to provide objectivity.
Him: Yes, but emotions are always there. Whether it’s burning or not burning, there is an emotion present at every point.
Me: It’s hard to explain. But like you said, it has to be beyond just emotions
Him: The way you feel about someone is how fast you can rekindle whatever is burning. There is a feeling that can do it.
Me: Hmmm. That’s new.
Him: Maybe that’s what we call love. But some people when it goes out, it’s out and there comes the feeling ‘what was I even thinking’.
Me: Nah. It’s attraction/affection. Love is not a feeling.
Him: Love is multi factorial. It begins from a feeling.
Me: You can love someone you’re not attracted to
Him: So it has a feeling part. The way you love a spouse is different from the way you love a parent or your pet dog. Attraction is the difference in a love to your spouse. It has to be there or it’s just a business partnership and you are sharing the same house.
Me: The problem is that the English vocabulary is limited. So it uses ‘love’ for many things. Therefore, (spousal) love consists of: attraction, affection, respect, care, consideration, forgiveness etc. Let’s just say love is multifaceted.
Him: Yes it is. But you cannot love everyone the same, there is a little bit of different ingredient added for the person on the receiving end.
Me: It’s not hard to see why love can exist without attraction. What will be missing of course is chemistry. What you might term a boring relationship.
Him: Many of those last. The boring relationships
Me: Yeah. But someone could end up cheating.
Him: It’s based on common sense sometimes. Maybe that’s what marriage is supposed to be. Common sense.
Me: But nowadays, we neglect all those aspects of love and focus on attraction only. That’s why relationships don’t last. It’s Maths – 1/10 vs 7/10 qualities. 7/10 is like everything minus chemistry, let’s say 1/10 is chemistry alone and 10/10 is the ‘Soul Mate’ kind of thing, where you have it all in a package. That’s the one that people say is hard to find.
Him: Sigh. But nowadays looking for 10/10 is a loooooong thing. It’s like searching for a Soul Mate, which you already said doesn’t exist. I think in the end people just give up and do common sense.
Me: The 7/10s.
Him: But I know I cannot last in that.
Me: I too can’t last in that no attraction thing. For people like you and me, who still want the chemistry part of the equation, we need to continue our search.
*End of chat*
What do you think?
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I am a Medical Doctor, Brand Strategist and the Author of Musings of an Analytical Mind. I love to challenge conventional thinking and am a firm believer in the coexistence of aesthetics and quality. You can follow me on Twitter – @ifeodedere